Yesterday, Gann posted on "What Composer's Talk About," and I was caught off guard in a surprising way. I try to be as modest as possible when people come up to me after concerts. Some people come up and do the stock compliment "great job" or "nice work," which I always appreciate. I actually appreciate it when anyone comes out to any recital of mine, I know how busy people's schedules are and I am even grateful for the percussion studio who is required to come to my recitals. But every now and then, someone will come up and talk about how they really experienced a certain piece and that something I played had changed their life.
Just as a side-note, I don't play to get praise from anyone else, I love playing music and will always keep playing, no matter my health, age, or profession. But I also can't lie and say I don't get a kick out of influencing someone else's life.
But when people saying things like "that was amazing, you are very talented," I always deflect and say something along the lines of, "thanks, I'm just glad I made it through the recital." Why do I immediately go try to be modest, especially when it's something I've been working on for over 5 months. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say, "Thanks, I thought it I was awesome, too." I mean, I've worked by butt off to get the pieces to where there at, and the only thing I have to say for myself is "Well, at least I didn't blow it."
I don't think this level of ego should be displayed, but on the other hand, I don't think we as performers give ourselves enough credit. I have a sophomore recital that I've never listened to because I messed up in the middle of one of my marimba solos, and that one 5 second mistake has kept me from thinking that anything else on that recital is worth listening to.
My point isn't that we should go about, gloating about what great musicians we are, but I do know for a fact that at least some of us suffer from a lack of self-confidence. So, maybe after your next recital, just take a minute, go into the bathroom (do whatever you may have to do while in there), then look in the mirror and tell yourself that you did a great job and what you did was the best you could ever do at that time.
Now, I know that this doesn't really apply to American Innovators all that much, but it does for me. I will be playing both Cages 4'33" and Fritz Hauser's "Double Exposition." These pieces are about as far out there as it can get (although my dad my contest that after hearing me play a piece for siren), but I've had reservations about these two pieces in particular. Finally, I've come to terms with what these pieces are, they're not virtuosic displays of how well I can play a certain instrument, but instead, these pieces are written out experiences. One can say every piece is an experience, and that is true, but these pieces do not feature anything virtuosic, or even challenging at times (yes, I know the term challenging has many different meanings, but for now I'm referring to chops or technical capability). So, in the end, I feel like anyone coming to my recital will leave with an experience they may not of had the chance to have any other time in their life.
Yes, I am shamelessly promoting my recital (May 6th, 7:30pm at Singletary), but after reading Gann's blog, I knew that I had something to say, and didn't know what it was until about half-way through this post. So, for all of you who made it to the end, thanks for reading and I hope that it made sense. And for all those who didn't read the whole thing or haven't read any blogs at all...well, you can go On A Boat for all I care.
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